a cheese for all seasons, reasons and occasions

March 3, 2008 – 5:08 pm

Like most americans, I was sadly unaware of all the variety of cheeses once can get in a European supermarket.  Living in England has given me an appreciation for the myriad of different types available.  I was under the misaprehension that there was a cheese for all occasions so long as they are mild, medium and mature cheddar.  But now I have discovered so much more!  Getting married?  It’s nothing but Bree for the bride to be.  Jaded by a lover?  Stilton!  That goes well with steak too.  Wondering what colour to wear?  Blacksticks Blue.  If you are feeling down try Gouda, it will lift your spirits. Miss being around nature?  Goats cheese!

There is a cheesey answer for all questions of life!

By Stacy | Posted in Uncategorized, Whinges | Comments (0)

bare art at the Natural History Museum

February 25, 2008 – 6:51 pm

I figure if you have made it to my website you deserve to hear about this one… While Mark was at a workshop in London one Sunday, I decided to go to the Natural History Museum.  I bought myself a coffee and a baguette and had a wonderful but quick lunch.  I was anxious to view everything the museum had to offer.  So I thew away my sandwich wrapper and paper cup and headed off.  To the toilet… I’m against g-strings and thongs.  I think they should only be used for one purpose and that is not for everyday underwear.  However, when necessity strikes you do what you have to.  In other words its laundry day!  I was down to the back up pair.  Same with jeans.  So I ended up doing the cardinal sin of wearing a thong with a skirt.  (I also had on tights on account of the cold if that in any way makes it a little better). I have seen the folly of my ways!  I do repent!I was wearing a long skirt with a thong.  I came out of the toilet, washed my hands, and proceeded to the dryer.  Right then and there in a crowded bathroom a woman came up to me and tugged on my skirt.  I can only assume that the assaulted and indignant look I gave her prompted her to explain herself.  She told me, “you’re exposing your bum; got your skirt tucked into your hose, love.”  I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I was for this woman.  I pictured myself in the line up of the development of mankind next to the woman rubbing two sticks together.  

By Stacy | Posted in Funnies | Comments (0)

“That time of the month,” he says.

February 25, 2008 – 6:23 pm

My husband is a very loving guy but sometimes he doesn’t really think about what he says before it comes out of his mouth…

That’s just a premise to the scene I’m about to set before you.

We are in a small grocery store, (for those of you who know it’s Tesco’s Express-for those of you who don’t it’s like the Starbucks of grocery stores; where ever you look another one’s popped up).
We pick up a few items. Something like a bell pepper, spinach, cheese, milk, peanut butter, and tripple chocolate ice cream. He loves ice cream. He has a thing about ice cream and yogurt. He cant get enough of it….ever. In fact, every place we go to that speaks another language other than english, he learns how to say three words. Ham, Cheese and Ice cream. Yes, I kid you not! I haven’t been able to eat ham for months now. That’s another story 


So we get to the check out and we are looking for exact change and Mark says, “Sorry, it’s that time of the month.” 
I look at Mark incredulously with in a nano second I’m shocked and slighly mortified. I am very aware of this splotchy complected teenager smircking at me- the metal of his braces are blinding me. I respond with curt and brusque comment of: “Well, it wasn’t but it sure will be tonight.”
It was at this point that (I think) it finally sunk in what he’d said. He quickly added, “I mean it’s that time of month where we’re almost out of money.” (In England you only get paid once a month-YES! It sucks ass) We’ve been paid since but it’s fun to jibe him about “that time of month.”

By Stacy | Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (0)

Cats, toilets and various shit

February 25, 2008 – 6:20 pm

I was engrossed in this scary movie on TV. I didn’t want to pause it to take my bowl back to the sink so I momentarily left it on the open window ledge. During the course of the movie I heard a loud thump. I didn’t pay it much mind because the wind often blows the window shut. I got a creepy feeling that someone/something was staring at me. I chose to ignore it for a few moments thinking it may be an effect of the scary film I was watching. I looked over and there was a cat in side the house right next to the empty bowl. It was staring at me expectantly and eagerly. I screamed my head off and a few seconds later Mark came running in the room with the “spider glass.” It’s the glass he uses to catch spiders. 

England has tons of creepy spiders.  Toilets and shit

We went to Bournemouth for the weekend to locate a flat(apartment) for us to live. (Currently we are gracing Mark’s family home with our presence while we find a suitable place to live). The toilet has been leaking for the past few weeks and has been in need of repair. Apparently it really got bad while we were away we came back after a lengthy drive in dire need of relieving ourselves. There was someone there working on the toilet but he said we could use it. I went to flush and water was coming from everywhere. I mean EVERYWHERE!!! I was screaming and freaked out, all I could think of was what kind of water was it. Mark and the person working on the toilet were laughing hysterically. I was pissed. After 5 minutes or so they stopped laughing long enough to tell me it wasn’t “dirty” water.

By Stacy | Posted in Funnies | Comments (0)

What meat do you eat?

October 8, 2007 – 4:56 pm

Maybe you State-siders have herd this but maybe not. The county (Surrey) where I live in England has recently had a disease affecting goats, pigs, sheep and cattle. Many animals have had to be put down and the carcasses burned. It’s been a terriblefor many farmers as foot and mouth disease only broke out 6 years ago. Many haven’t fully recovered from that go round.

So here’s my thoughts, it’s an epiphany so please don’t call me a hypocrite just yet!…. People should only eat what they are prepared to kill. I don’t mind killing any vegetable or fruit (including fruit trees, see example number 1. back yard remains of a grapefruit tree, actually that was purely accidental)

I have caught my own fish, cleaned it, and I ate it. It wasn’t terribly nice but it could be choked down. I didn’t eat fish for a long time after but Idid do it!

Chicken: I can remember choking a chicken in my great aunt Lucille’s house. I can’t remember what was worse plucking all the fucking feathers or the bird-shit smell that settled on the house as the chicken was boiling. We had chicken and dumplings that night. Yeah, it took a while for me to eat chicken again after that.

I’ve shot at a deer but never killed one. I remember helping my dad skin it. I even ate a bit of it-found a hair in my deer meat and NEVER ate it again. I think I watched Bambi for the first time ever a month or so after having eaten deer meat. That just confirmed my inability to eat it. It’s funny how the things we find cute are tabooed against eating.

Hmm this narrows my selection quite a bit. I will not eat deer meat, I’m a bit nervy to eat chicken because of bird flu, and now foot and mouth disease hinders me eating pork and beef. My conscience doesn’t allow me to consider it as I’m not willing to kill a pig or a cow. ( I wonder if dissecting a fetal pig in biology class counts?

I’ve gone pescaterian (I will eat fish, veg and fruit- no red meat)….oh but I hate eggs!

What are your thoughts? What would you eat? Am I inhumane for killing animals to eat them? Do you think I have a right to my moral objection or am I being silly? Do you think my biology requirement suffices the quirky hypothesis?

By Stacy | Posted in Curious | Comments (0)

Going Underground-The Tube

September 17, 2007 – 9:22 am

Travel and Places

In one of my previous entries I effortlessly bored you all to tears about my repugnance of the Tube, The Tube. THE (disdainfully said) Tube. I went back to London to reaffirm my utter aversion to big cities. Remember this, it’s as close to foreshadowing as it gets.

I was on a mission to find a ambiguous furniture shop that sells futons. Not the cheap bastards that fall apart after a friend sneezes whilst sitting on it. (note- it would only be a friend who would break the futon because somehow people who own them know where to sit and not. All others sit upon the futon at their own risk.) But the higher scale ones you can actually sleep on. I know, I was skeptical too. Upon having a conversation with someone about how to find this place I was told, “there’s lots of cool shops in the area.” “You’ll really like it there.” “It’s unique.” Gullible and naive as I am, I believed this person. So naturally I got up eager to to travel to London-Not during rush hour- at least, I’m not THAT stupid. I found the furniture store and was slightly disappointed. The only way I can relate it to you is when you order an item off an menu purely based on how the picture looks and then it comes and it’s a complete let down. All your taste buds fizzle out in unfullfilled aspirations of a palatable dining experience. The furniture store’s web site was amazingly informative and professionally built. I thought, wow, I can’t wait to see what the store looks like. It was a “where’s the beef” moment. I had to double check the address. It was little more than a hole in the wall and the name on the website didn’t match the name on the sign. I had to ask an attendant is the the *Name of furniture Shop Inserted here*? My answer was a gruff cockney accented, “yeah love.”
The “Fu-on”, as he pronounced it, purchased. I checked the one and only item on my list. I caught myself nearly saying it that way just to hear what it would sound like out of my mouth. He spoke as if the letter “t” did not exist at all.
Next shopping. Bah, I can’t be bothered to tell you how shite it was. Just know that, there were mostly goth shops, pervy shops where you can buy cards with naked men or women on them, and my personal fav- the bong shops. There was an bong in the shape of a penis proudly displayed in the window of one shop. I actually watched the man polishing it with a rag. Somehow I found that funny.
Moving on the the whole point of this rant…. Trains and Tubes and commuting in London. Mark- and (I guess) I have decided to hold our reception on a train.
Go Fig!

By Stacy | Posted in Funnies | Comments (1)

“It’s the Scottish Tradition!”

August 17, 2007 – 10:24 am

While we (Mark, Mark, Mat, Leah and I) were in Scotland we went to a ghost tour of Mary’s Close. It was alright but the ambience intended was somewhat tarnished by a group of twitty ASBO teenaged girls. They were eventually kicked off the tour and all was better despite the fact that the tour, in general, wasn’t very scary.
We left in a quiet consideration, and contemplated how life back then could have been.
We were talking in a circle just out side the exit about our next plan of action.
Behind Mat came an unusual woman. I didn’t say anything because I thought she might know him. She jabbed him in the ribs and tickled his underarms. (The look of surprise on Mat’s face was priceless). The turned around to see a strange vagabond-type woman with large buttons on her polo shirt. (it almost reminded me of a TGI Friday’s employee, you know, too much flare but not enough up there. No, I’m not saying that TGI Friday’s employees are not clever. I’m just saying this lady wasn’t right.) She smiled at Mat endearingly revealing all three teeth.
I can’t remember the exact order of personal space invasion but I do remember that both Marks were touched and a finger was touched all the way down to the bottom. I had a creepy finger run down my spine as well but thankfully I didn’t get any more personal space invaded. I was walking/running too quickly for her to reach. Only one of us escaped unscathed- lucky Leah. She yelled behind us as we were running away, “But it’s Scottish tradition.” I mentioned to her that if we all die in seven days to hunt the crazy lady down and seek answers. Fortunately, nothing happened because I didn’t make her promise. I think this was also the time where I got kissed by a drunk Scotsman. We had a great time. I think we all liked Scotland-and just think if we could bottle up some of that crazy and save it for a party. Ha!

By Stacy | Posted in Funnies | Comments (0)

Zen moments 2 …And that’s the way the cookie (biscuit) crumbles.

August 8, 2007 – 10:21 am

Advanced warning….this is humiliating and humors to me so please keep that in mind.

In 2003 I moved to England and worked at a special needs school in inner city London. I was under the impression that I would love the challenge, I worked at the homeless school in Phoenix, why not a school in inner city London for Special Needs etc. *laughs*

It was summer, roses and lavender lined the gates to many front gardens. I was walking to work. (My French made *Citroen* had died but thankfully, had gotten me though the winter). Yes, back to walking…I was rather enjoying it. I bought a cup of coffee from a bakery that had just opened up. The sun was out and the birds were chirping a lovely song. The lavender was working its magic aromatherapy-like properties, maybe the caffeine was working it’s magic too. I admit I was lolly-gagging around a bit because I was enjoying the crisp morning air and all its lovely smells, sights and sounds. I owned the city at that moment, as my husband would say. It belonged to me, the sidewalk, the birds, the roses, lavender, even sounds of sleepy houses waking up to a new day.

Please keep reading if you want to find out my humiliation. (It has nothing to do with Zen moments or Owning the City)

Then I was abruptly shaken from my ownership and Zen was wavering. A green Jeep pulled along side me and stopped. The tingling sensation that warns you danger might be near crept up my neck and stopped at the base of my brain (it was the part of my brain that was previously enjoying the smells of roses and lavender and maybe fresh cut grass-I don’t know) The male driver was fiddling with something in the passenger seat. Remember the steering wheel is on the right side of the car.

He got back into the car behind the wheel. I was at an intersection by now and needed to cross the road. The man in the green Jeep let me cross in front of him. (I just need to point out how rare of an occasion this is in London- I wasn’t at a Zebra crossing, so it’s very rare). I thought ok, maybe I can go back to my Zen state. Wrong! The man rolled down the passenger side window and asked if I worked in the area. Zen shattered and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end and the lavender void space in my brain said lie and get out quick. Of course, I lied but I hadn’t thought it out very well because I said, “no, I work that way” and pointed in the opposite direction of the way I am walking. The Zen moment was replaced with complete and utter stupidity.

The green Jeep driver said, “let me drive you to work. I don’t mind. Where do you work?” My reply was, “no thank you, I am enjoying my walk.” Up until that moment I was.

The green Jeep driver didn’t take no for an answer. He replied, “I see you have tea; you can have biscuits with your tea. At that moment he procured, from God knows where a fancy shortbread biscuit. (I was actually drinking coffee and when talking to an American you might consider calling a “biscuit” a cookie; but I didn’t want to encourage any more conversation with this stranger). The, “I’m alright, thanks” comment didn’t phase him.

He parked his green Jeep, hopped out of his car and proceeded to cross the street to where I was. The coffee was left behind as I bolted it the rest of the way to my work.

The police were called as soon as I got in the building. When they arrived, I couldn’t help but notice how attractive these men in uniform were. I answered a series of questions but then they asked, “what kind of biscuits were they?”

The biscuit (aka cookie) broke Zen.

By Stacy | Posted in Curious, Funnies | Comments (0)

Zen Moments, Owning the city, Away with the fairies

August 7, 2007 – 10:15 am

Throughout my life I’ve had experiences which I can only describe as Zen moments. These are special times which only come when I’ve been completely at peace with everything around me. My husband has another way to describe it. He calls it “owning the city.” It’s where nothing and no one around you phases you and you visit your own world. It’s being taken “away with the fairies.”

I’d love feedback on this so if you have an experience like the above mentioned please share it with me. I’d love to know I’m not the only one who’s had these types of events.

There are about a dozen that I can recall but I’ll spare you the boring bits and just tell you the most interesting ones.

I was at university and a group of us went to the movies. After realizing that something was missing…. that not quite naked feeling but that something is bare but shouldn’t be…My watch was gone. I’m sure the look on my face was a bit disturbed because the guy behind the ticket counter felt compelled to try and console me. The moment of panic was short because it was just before getting to the ticket counter that the thought of it being a material item and unimportant in the grand scheme of things hit me. It as if Bobby McFerrin himself descended upon us and started singing “Don’t Worry Be Happy,” in front of the dollar theater. None the less the ticket counter dude gave me a very cool collectable poster. yes, it’s a bit ironic and i’ve put to shame the raw emotion behind it and sometimes it’s a bit more subtle than that.

hmm, on second thought I’m not going to share many of these moments. I have one other to share but it has to be in a separate category for reasons that will be obvious if/when you read it. Posting all of my “Zen moments” might be like reading a digital version of my mental diary. Just too personal. But still please let me know I’m not the only one that has experience these.

By Stacy | Posted in Curious | Comments (0)

Bush gives Gordy a present

August 2, 2007 – 9:22 am

Today on the radio I heard something amusing. Gordon Brown (England’s new Prime Minister) went to visit America and George dub-ya Bush. Bush as a gracious southern gentleman that he is gave Gordon a present. How nice huh? It was a leather bomber jacket. The DJ mentioned that Gordon would hardly have a need for such things and it would be the equivalent of giving Bush a dictionary. I wonder if giving Gordon a bomber jacket was a “sublimable” message.

By Stacy | Posted in news and politics | Comments (0)